Zaeed Character Box

His middle name really is Goddamn

Zaeed is guarding Shepard's liquor supply. Arrived shortly after Space Christmas.

age: ~50

origins: Mass Effect [ canon ]

app link: here

hmd: here

played by: Odd

contact: electricbeararms {aim} oddplorx {plurk}


It’s like two hundred something years into the future. Humanity has discovered faster than light travel, made first contact with a hyper-advanced council of aliens and there are only four hairstyles. Instead of being cool and the universe taking place in the middle of some huge galactic conflict where all the alien races are trying to nuke each other from orbit, everyone’s all about POLITICS and BUREAUCRACY. Everyone’s really big on PC and land grabbing, too. It’s like Oregon Trail. But in space. And instead of dysentery, there’s being turned into a cybernetic zombie.

Oh, and Reapers. We’ve dismissed these claims, but they’re kind of important. Basically a pack of ancient space Cthulhu got all broody in the most convoluted and confusing way possible. So they came down from on high to wreck shit up. They did so by first indoctrinating a radical cell of a highly advanced race of artificial intelligence called the geth. They used their geth army and figure head, a rogue Council agent known as Saren to break down the Council’s back door and fly into space with the express purpose of killing everything and harvesting all sentient life. It failed when the first human Spectre (they’re like jedis, idk), Commander Shepard, basically closed the door in their face and blew one of them up. They were pretty butthurt about this. So they killed Shepard.

But then Shepard, with the power of Science, became space Jesus when the shady and morally ambiguous pro-human organization known only as Cerberus brought the Commander back to life with some hand waved and very expensive cybernetics and surgery. This is because the Reapers were still really butthurt and kidnapping people by using their meat puppets, the Collectors. Which are really their first victims, the Forerunners. I mean Protheans. Cerberus figured Shepard could blow one of them up again, or something.

Suddenly, Zaeed. The head of Cerberus, the Illusive Man, knew Shepard was going to need a pack of crazies to take down these Eldritch assholes, so he went through the yellow pages and called up one of the galaxy's most feared and brutal of bounty hunters/mercenaries/story tellers. Zaeed Goddamn Massani.


Zaeed is a very angry old man. Granted, there’s some justification to his shit flinging but not much. Actually, no. He’s just angry and a terrible human being in general. He toes the line between Neutral Evil and Chaotic Neutral, what with being not only a gun for hire but one of most brutal ones alive. To expand, Zaeed is not only a mercenary, he is the mercenary. While it’s not common knowledge, Zaeed has a brain child by the name of the Blue Suns. The Blue Suns? One of the three most prolific and deadly mercenary groups in the galaxy. That he had enough bloodlust in him to co-found what is by now an army with a headcount of a small country should be testament enough to the statement, Zaeed had a lot of fight in him. He’s also got a lot of butthurt in him, too. That Blue Suns thing didn’t work out so hot when the other founder of the group wanted Zaeed out of the picture some twenty years ago and thought the best way to end the relationship was right a thoughtful note. With a pen made of bullet, on a pad made of Zaeed’s face. It was very well worded and to the point.

Zaeed is now an old killer made entirely of blood money and goddamn nostalgia.

Being a mercenary is really what defines the majority of his character. Again, he’s pretty much by the book Neutral Evil with just a few Chaotic Neutral elements. Zaeed’s loyalties have always lied squarely in whether or not his pay check has cleared. He works to do what he’s paid for, nothing more, and nothing less. If you hand Zaeed a wad of cash and tell him to kill a room full of armed guards, he thank you for paying in cash now and get it done by the end of the afternoon with a smile on his face. He makes no secret of the fact he really likes his job. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, in the worst sense of the word ‘care.’ Caring for Zaeed is looking at every mission he’s offered, getting to “know” who he’s hunting. For reasons known really only to him, he prefers to make every one of his jobs personal. Which is a bit strange as the typical gun for hire likes to keep their personal feelings out of their work as much as possible. Zaeed goes the complete opposite direction in this regard.

That he’s a killer who likes making it personal each and every time, he lives up to the Chaotic Neutral part of his personality by having limits in a pretty loose sense of the word. For starters, Zaeed has some semblance of honor, or at least morals. Killing or the abuse of children, slavery and the methods of batarian mercs is where Zaeed draws the line, not to mention he’s really only shown to be one asshole going after equal or greater assholes. While that doesn’t make him any less cruel, he’s by no means a complete monster doing this for funsies. Unless things get a little too personal. Say for instance, he wants to go after someone who’s gravely wronged him over twenty years ago, then he can be subject to a total lapse of better judgment to the point he’s willing to let innocent civilians die needlessly for his revenge. But that's not Zaeed, the person. In that case it's Zaeed, blinded by butthurt.

For all his talk though, Zaeed’s age and sentimentalism start showing the longer he’s in the company of the Normandy. Zaeed is, while aloof and cavalier about his life, a little lonely. He’s always going off on tangents about his past experiences and mission at the slightest lead or drop of a hat merely because you looked his way. Cross Zaeed’s path and not be on his shit or hit lists, chances are he’s going to want to bend your ear as far as he can. He either likes the sound of his own voice, or his at his core, beginning to realize he’s never really had anyone to just sit down and talk to.

Still an asshole, though.

Abilities & WeaknessesEdit

Zaeed isn’t a space marine, magical school girl or giant robot. He is a hired gun who happens to be from space. His job is to point the noisy end of his gun at things until they stop moving, occasionally throwing flaming grenades at said things to keep things interesting. Zaeed is pretty good at this. Another thing Zaeed is good at is survival. If his many stories and reputation are to be believed, Zaeed can make it out of almost any life or death situation alive, be it boarding a ship or batarian prison. He’s incredibly self-sufficient and creative in his work, able to capture and kill people and aliens twice his size with sometimes nothing but a knife and a shitty mood. Another trick of his, is that he’s incredibly observant- watching and making mental notes of just about everything going on around him, giving him an immense advantage both on and off the field. Give him a weapon to work with and point to something that needs killing and chances are Zaeed will get it done before you can say, this take me back…

As for weaknesses, Zaeed’s as human as they come, and closer to fifty nine than forty nine. While his age doesn’t appear to have any effect on his combative skills in-game, it’s no stretch of the imagination to say a beaten body like his is going to find the other, more robust squad members, station residents etc to be a bit of a competition. His squad leadership is also complete shit, just about every story he tells, even if it’s about grocery shopping, will almost always end in- “and I was the only one to make it out that day.” He’s the lone wolf type, not much for squad work unless it’s un a small group, otherwise there’s a good chance he’ll get everyone killed with his recklessness.

And while it’s never brought up in game, Zaeed’s right eye is artificial and there’s the possibility that his eyesight is less than average and depth perception either nonexistent or, considering he is from the future, not as good as it once was.

Character RelationshipsEdit


Jane Shepard: His paycheck tells him that this is his boss. In reality, she's a drinking buddy that just happens to boss him around a lot. He owes the woman roughly six shitloads, more than she's aware of.

Thane Krios: Best friend ;A;

Garrus Vakarian: Nice guy, easy to troll.

Mordin Solus: Weird little spit fuck, but a ship's shit without a decent doctor.

Kasumi Goto





Kevin Flynn


Michael Altman

Isaac Clarke

Vriska Serket

Bro Strider

Kaylee Sanders

Motoko Kusanagi (movie)

See AlsoEdit

Everyone in the ME category.